A satire I wrote for school, about the dreaded American Idol.
Becoming a rock star, one of the most prominent American dreams, in the past decade has become just a little bit easier for everyone. With the hit reality series “American Idol”, anyone is given a chance to become famous! If you have a good set of chops, and want to be famous, American Idol can give you a chance. So if you hear that the auditions are heading to an area near you, you would not want to pass up the opportunity at all! If you are at all interested in making it to the finale of American Idol, this article aims at aiding you through the stages.
The first part of the journey begins with the auditions:
- First of all, bring lots of water. Standing in lines with thousands and thousands of people for hours on end can be very dehydrating. You should always keep your vocal chords fresh with water.
- Don’t be concerned with your image, black or white, fat or skinny, short or tall, gay or straight, it doesn’t matter. Just be sure you bring the best voice.
- If you’re parents and friends have told you that you are good singer, listen to them, that usually means that you are.
- If you have a background, definitely share it. For example, maybe your mom died during your birth. Then your dad had to raise you with your two older sisters. Both of them were killed during a school bus accident. To make matters worse, your dad was laid off of his job, and this is your only chance to get money for you and him. People will be certain to vote for you, and you win a sympathy bonus with the judges.
- Be prepared to meet very interesting characters and people during your experience.
Did the judges put you through? Congratulations! Well, after your lengthy interview and emotional celebration, it’s time to prepare for Hollywood week, the most emotional and stressful portion of the series.
- This is when you want to make the biggest impression on people. It’s everyman for himself in Hollywood week. Dog eat dog. Fight dirty. Do whatever it takes. If your emotions usually get the best of you, this is the best time to allow them to. Tantrums and excessive crying are great, especially when the cameras are around.
- Don’t forget the words. Forgetting the words to songs is really looked down upon. Now, you may be asking, “what does that have to do with my singing ability?” Well, no longer is this a singing competition. It is about stage presence. If you want to be famous, you have to act and dress like you’re famous.
- With that being said, guys, put on the most spiffy outfit that you can find, and sing your heart out. Girls, generally it is best if you show as much leg as allowed on television. However, if you aren’t that type, put on your stage makeup, and then some.
- When you get to the final stage. Where you have to walk the walk of death, it will be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences in your life. If you make it, be sure to cry, and jump up and down with joy. If you don’t, you’re only option left is to argue. If you have a way with words, be sure and give it a shot, you never know if they might change their minds.
Are you still here? If you are lucky enough to be, then you have reached the final leg of the competition, the big stage, the real deal. This time people are voting for you, so it’s time to get your game face on.
- If you are a white male with glasses, a Christian background, raspy voice, can play guitar, and sound a little bit like Nickelback or Daughtry, then you should definitely use that to your advantage, works like a charm. Trust me.
- If you don’t have what is mentioned above try sitting on a piano or guitar, and sing a sappy sing-a-long that everyone knows. Either that or make sure the best light show possible is used when you hit the “epic” sustained note at the end of your ballad.
- Don’t forget the words
- Once again, image is everything. Jump around. Do what I mentioned above, men do your thing, ladies do your thing. You’ll stick around longer if you look good up there.
- You have to be likeable. Usually voters prefer a humble person at this stage of the competition. However, don’t always listen to the judge’s advice. Go with how you feel on the inside. What’s in your heart really matters most.
- Remember, your target audience is between the ages of fourteen and sixteen, predominantly female. Always have a mentality of “how can I please them most?”
- Oh yeah, and don’t forget the words.
And there you have it, folks. If you succeed in winning American Idol, you will earn a free signing with a record deal. (Even though, if you make it to the final round, someone will probably want to sign from somewhere). You can now be famous. Tour the nation, tour the world, or even be in commercials against cancer. Don’t be disappointed if everyone forgets who you are in about two years though, it happens to everyone. Besides, you will have made enough money to live the rest of your life without worries. That’s what it’s all about, right?
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